Tired of this Being Human Thing
Updated: Jun 6
I am exhausted. The events in the last 3 months, let alone past 4 years, have been grueling. And I'm white, so yeah I can't even imagine how people of color have been fucking feeling for the last 400 years. I know I've had it relatively easy, but I’m still spent. I’m tired of “fighting the good fight”. I’m spent from trying to strive to be better, do more, be more enlightened, be more at peace, make a difference. Are you feeling this too?
Here’s the thing. I just can’t go up that hill anymore. At first I thought this was a really bad sign….like “uh oh, you’re going down from here” when I already felt that collectively we were pretty much at the bottom of the barrel. Could it get worse??? God no, I have to keep pushing and resisting the downward pull. Then I had this feeling, “Wait, maybe this is where I need to be. Maybe this is where we need to be collectively – at the bottom of the barrel. And instead of trying to escape it, just be in it.” I know that’s sounds weird, but it’s not really as pathetic as it sounds. In the darkness at the bottom of the barrel, there could be enough quiet and tranquility to find the pathway up and out. Hear me out…..
A couple of days ago, I decided to address systemic racism by using my CCT (Crystalline ConsciousnessTechnique) tools. My intentions in addressing Black/White relations was to release all Negative Geometric Configurations trapped in the DNA and cellular memory of blacks and whites of trauma, enslavement, power over, violence, rape, oppression, torture, and dehumanization. I asked to anchor in a Positive Geometric Configuration of restorative justice, equality, human rights, healing, love, compassion, reparation, equal opportunity, sustenance, co-creation, empowerment, autonomy, freedom, peace and truth. I asked for all torn grids in history where blacks suffered at the hands of whites to be repaired. I asked that the truth be revealed so that right action follows. I asked to deconstruct white supremacy in the justice system, police state, government, and on all other levels. I asked to release hate, racism, white supremacy, fear, oppression and abuse of power within the police system/state. I asked for service of justice and to remove ignorance, economic barriers, racism, prejudice, oppression, silence, complacency, apathy and disempowerment. Shazam!
But dang it, I was still exhausted....
So today I had a session of somatic therapy, with the fabulous Dea Luvon here in Twisp, WA (if you’re a local, check her out! www.movingintoaliveness.com). We’ve been working together since the late fall of last year. It involves a lot of the sharing of your story, your childhood and upbringing, traumas, and where you are now. It involves feeling your feelings within the moment and within the body and giving the body the freedom to move these feelings throughout every muscle, joint and limb (safely of course). So today I approached her with my exhaustion – my sadness over the fact that I feel that we haven’t really evolved that much (as revealed with violence against George Floyd) and we are not really doing anything about changing our path as we head towards climate change and ecological Armageddon, and the wake of economic turmoil post Covid 19 hasn't even hit yet. So with my story and the feelings that accompanied it, I just wanted to push against something, literally. (#fuckthisshit!)
We were out in the forest and so I started to push with all my might against a very large pine tree. I grunted and strained, trying with all my might to move this tree. I imagined that I was pushing everything that I didn't want to see in the world, or in my life. Of course I could not move the tree, but what did move was my emotion. What started out as frustration and anger melted into a feeling of being held by the tree. Surrender was the natural response. There was a deep silence that surrounded me like a blanket. I just wept like a baby. Instead of pushing, I moved to resting my head on this beautiful magnificent tree which seemed to know exactly what I was feeling and had the capacity to hold me. Honestly, it felt like the Divine Mother saying “There, there dear. I know life is hard, but I got you.” I wept not out of sadness, but out of relief….relief that right there in front of me was pure unconditional love knowing everything about me, my weaknesses, shortcomings, negative thoughts, and yet still loving me and telling me that she’s got me. This tree could see me totally, and my exhaustion and sadness was totally ok with her. And not only that, but that within this unified field of consciousness there was a solution, and she told me it is coming. Nothing to figure out - it doesn't lie within our mental chatter. It lies in connection and in trusting the divine intelligence of Earth herself.
My take away and what I want to share with you is that it’s ok to rest at the bottom of the barrel. To feel the grief, the frustration, and honestly, the fear of the unknown. What if resting in that nothingness, that place of no where else to go, is where we receive the solutions that we have been striving for, even begging for? Didn’t Einstein say something about the solution to the problem cannot be found in the mindset that created the problem? So how does one create a new mindset? Maybe you empty it out first, instead of keep trying to push against the very problem that you are trying to solve. Realize you know nothing. Trust in the possibility of "miracles".
I definitely don’t have the answers, but I think that tree really knows more than I do (and it's been around a lot longer than this person known as Tania). There is a greater power, a Divine Consciousness that permeates this world and everything and everyone in it, that has this whole Earth experience under control. Maybe we need to trust. Rest in faith. Miracles can happen if we create the space for them. Dive deep into your own cocoon and let the transformation happen. It is happening now collectively in a big way. Maybe we need to let the river carry us.
So that brings me back to my CCT work I mentioned earlier. In CCT, we have a saying "Let CCT do the work". I had forgotten that. Here I am still pushing, treading water going nowhere, when in reality I need to rest and trust that the clarity of my intentions have been heard and it's effects will ripple out into reality. I simply allow my actions to flow through me with grace and ease, whether that is choosing to rest, attend a peaceful protest, donate to the NAACP, or educate myself on the Black Lives Matter movement. There is no need for struggle. And of course, the more of us that do this kind of healing work with whatever modality, social work, or platform, the faster and more quickly we will see change. I have to remind myself that in the New Earth energies, transformation is happening in quantum leaps and much faster than ever before.
If your cocoon is telling to act, then act! If it's telling you it's time to raise an angry voice, do it! If it’s telling you to shut up and rest, then rest! Let the wisdom of the cocoon guide you…and when the time is right, you will suddenly realize that you have wings.